I swear I lived

My number one fear is being ordinary.  Why?  I couldn’t tell you.

But lately I’ve had a fear of being an ordinary human being, someone who lives and dies and does ordinary and expected things.  Someone who does what the world considers safe and practical.  The girl who goes to college, majors in something practical that promises job security, has an ordinary job, and settles down with her nice, ordinary family.  Now don’t get me wrong, for some people that scenario is perfect.  And if that is your dream, you go for it.  But for me, that scenario causes nothing but a rush of anxiety.

I crave and desire to see the world; to pop the ordinary bubble and hop in a car with a few good friends and drive from one coast to the other, stopping at hole-in-the-wall café’s in towns of 300 people.  I dream of buying a plane ticket and flying to a different continent; simply because I can.  I want to immerse myself in another culture, learn their customs, and do this as many times as I can.  Maybe I’ll volunteer with a non-profit organization and help and hug the people in need.  And when I run out of money from my world exploration I want to live in a flat with my best friends and struggle along month by month on the pay of barista.  Because who doesn’t want to make over-priced coffee drinks for a living?  In the meantime, when I’m not roasting & brewing dark roast coffee, I’ll be singing.  Playing in my coffee shop, and other shops around the city; me, my piano, and I.  I’ll hold onto the dream of being a singer and will fight society’s pull to pursue a more realistic goal.  Like an office job.  With a desk.  And a cubicle.  Please…no.

But at the same time, I can feel my practicality fighting with my heart.  Telling me to take the safe road, to have a plan and know where I’m going to be in five years.  It’s an everyday battle.  Dreams versus Security.  So everyday I have to remind myself that it’s okay.  It’s okay to not know where I’m going to be in five years, it’s okay to not want to rush towards marriage and a family, and it’s okay to be a little bit selfish with your youth.  Why?  Because fabulous things happen to those who take risks.  There is a beauty in being a little bit eccentric, a little bit on the whimsical side.  So everyday, I take another small step towards my goals and dreams.  Everyday I take a few more steps toward extraordinary.